1 out of 5

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman

It lacks heart.  That’s the cardinal sin of this 2014 Turtles update, all the more damning because the current Nick cartoon – airing at the time of this movie’s development and release – is one of the best incarnations of TMNT and absolutely gets the family and brotherhood soul of the franchise.  But Lieby, his Platinum Dunes crew, and screenwriters Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec and Evan Daugherty seem completely ignorant of that, and equally ignorant of how to effectively give props to what’s come before outside of a pizza and cowabunga reference.

We’re sped through an intro that’s a blend of the current IDW comic and some original comic bits – the classically condensed Platinum Dunes simplfication of plot preventing TMNT 2014 from the boldness of the superior 2007 movie, which accepted its audience either already knew the origin or would be too young to care – and then given the April O’Neil (acceptably played by Megan Fox…) Channel 6 news narrative bridge that will provide us with a reason to hang around the Foot Clan and get embroiled with the Turtles.  Which happens, and then there’s a take-over-the-city plot involving The Shredder, who’s there because of something something Ancient Japan that doesn’t make much sense except we’re all ninjas (and ninjitsu can be learned from a book in a few years, in one of the film’s most ridiculous origin missteps).  And then there are some special effects and the credits.  Now, if anything can be said about Bay, it’s that he can at least make a singular scene feel exciting, whether or not that excitement persists once you stop to think about what you’re watching.  But as he proved with ‘Wrath of the Titans,’ Liebes does not share that talent, opting for something like a shaky-cam POV style that does not work with big budget special effects shots – everything feels framed wrong; there is no sense of space.  And as our Turtles are completely lacking in personality, and as their origin feels shuttled through simply to justify the Shredder conflict, that means every aspect of the movie rings false, and feels empty.  It’s a sign when Fox’s puzzled delivery of lines is one of the only sources of entertainment.  Only a couple of the titular teens’ jokes are worth a chuckle, and even Will Arnett (as 80s cartoon character update Vern) falls flat.

Regarding the character design and effects: the CG is mostly blended well, though Splinter needed a bit more uncanny valley to sync with the Turtles over-humanization.  The giant size of our characters was acceptable, but the over-accessoried look made me a bit sick, as does making Raph and Mikey into jock and doof proxies that one might find in any other stupid teen comedy.  (Again: the lack of heart.)  And Donnie’s tech-talk is… unspeakably bad.  Even the 80s cartoon faked it better.  The Shredder character design is “cool,” like the Transformers updates are “cool,” but fucking pointless.  What was the point of that armor?  Oh, right, because bad guys have crazy armor.  Thanks, no explanation needed!  The snowbound action scene featured in the trailers is a nice rush, but elsewhere, Liebes direction foils any sense of excitement.

I’ve been following the franchise since I was 5 or so, when I was the ripe age for the original cartoon to take over my life.  Through all the hills and valleys, this is truly the first version of the TMNT that feels entirely faceless.  Anything could’ve been swapped in to replace these characters.  Initially I was siding toward two stars as I wasn’t bored when I was in the theater, but the more I consider how far off the mark our writers / director / producers were, the more solid that one star rating becomes.

Blu-ray notes: an amazing transfer, which just makes the movie more clearly disappointing.  (Yuk yuk.)  But seriously: because I could see how well represented the Turtles’ actors’ emotions were, it was a shame it wasn’t applied to a more effective script or movie.  (Or better fucking character design than these god-awful Jim Lee monstrosities.)  …That being said, the extras actually aren’t bad.  I guess it’s fine we’re spared a commentary since I didn’t have much respect for those making the movie.  We do get some bits that do suggest care and effort were put into this project, even if I didn’t like how it was applied: a history of turtles (the animal) / ninjas mash-up;  an acceptable effects overview; some cast interviews which, again, show that they did do right by the actors, at the very least.  And a music video for Shell Shocked, which is a catchy song that rather hilariously (or disgustingly) turns TMNT themes like “green” into hip-hop-isms like “I like Turtles yadda yadda green yadda yadda like money.”  Boom.  Rap.