1 out of 5

Directed by: Douglas Aarniokoski

I don’t think I’ve been this bored by an exploitation movie before.  Recently, ‘Raze’ came out under the guise of a women-in-prison flick.  It had higher aspirations, and thus didn’t pursue its cheeseball genre with fervor.  But since it wasn’t smart enough to achieve those aspirations, it ended up being pretty unsatisfying on most fronts.  ‘Nurse’ doesn’t seem to want to be anything more than ‘classic’ grindhouse, and it gets off (hyuck) to a fair enough version of that as we’re introduced to sashaying seductress Paz de la Huerta gussying herself up in a see-through outfit and leather to literally prey upon slobbering males who will hide their wedding rings at a chance to do something dirty with her.  She “always gives them a second chance” (one of our first examples of a line that’s played with importance that isn’t really worth a fig in the overall narrative), and they seemingly always fail to not follow her, and to get a femoral artery cut, or some other fatal wound.  Our first on-screen kill, in those initial minutes, isn’t gory, but it’s plenty overdone thanks to Huerta’s horrid acting and the dreary camerawork, so, fine, it works.  And presumably we can expect more of the same, building to a bloody climax, as we’re introduced to the hospital in which our lead nurse works, staffed by plenty of short-skirted nurses and more slobbering males (wearing doctor’s scrubs though).  Instead, we immediately get derailed to focus on Katrina Bowden’s Danni, a newbie who’s being guided by Paz’s Abby.  More pointless scripting tells us that Danni reminds Abby of herself, so, okay, I guess we’re going to start doing a protege killer thing, fine.  But no.  Since Abby hates men, she’s obviously a crazy lesbian, trying to seduce Danni by getting her drunk and drugged.  When Danni wants to dismiss a resultant night of sexy, Abby takes up the rest of the movie trying to off Danni’s boyfriend, or otherwise convince her that they’re meant to be together.

So: not at all what I assumed the film would be about, and I would say that’s all on me except that that intro sequence absolutely leads us to believe the same.  There are some kills… eventually… but they’re marred by really pointless editing and shitty CGI.  Perhaps we could be kind and say that the poor effects are a tribute to the shlock gore of yore, but I don’t want to be kind.  The kills were boring and looked bad and too rare.  And yes, blood and guts are part of this genre, so if it should be there, and if you can’t afford to make it look good, you should at least have some fun with it.  There’s a brief Guinea Pig-ish moment with a man strapped to a table, but it’s just a moment, before CGI and editing ruin that too.  Finally, there is that blood-soaked conclusion, at least, and it’s a simple enough gag – many stab wounds, lots of blood spurting – and that’s enough.  It’s a fun few seconds.  But buffered by a pointless narrative and a lack of understanding of the genre – even the T&A is pretty limited or blocked – ‘Nurse’ can’t subsist on only a few seconds.  And because the other actors are at least competent, de la Huerta’s vacuous delivery of her line’s sticks out all the more.

This is to say nothing of the 3D moments, which, again, are treated like the script – there and then forgotten.  A couple of the typical ‘things flying at the screen’ in the first third of the movie, and then you’re done.  Thanks, 3D.

A big merry ‘Meh’ to the lota’ ya’.