1 out of 5

Directed by: Mark Cullen

This is one of the most incompetently made movies I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through.  I had my doubts upon the “from the makers of Cop Out” link – which, note, wasn’t advertised – and if that film had me chalking up fault to director Kevin Smith over writers Mark and Robb Cohen, well, now I have the brothers’ directorial debut (again providing the script) to tell me otherwise: that these two have zero sense of how to land a joke, or what comedic timing is, or, like, direction.

The purported purpose of the flick – having Bruce track down his stolen dog – is a bit too clearly trying to latch on to some Keanu / John Wick steam from the time; in actuality, the film isn’t about anything.  And not, like, that’s its about nothing, more like the Cullens just sat down, rattled off some ideas, pasted the same character into all of them, and called it a day when they hit their page goal.  Maybe that makes for the zeitgeist of randomness?  Perhaps, if their sense of creativity could proceed past the base levels of “this would be funny…”  But, nah, why bother.  The setup for the joke is there, with a note to fill in the punch line later.  Or maybe they even forgot the note.  That’s enough.

There is a kidnapped dog, and I think we’re supposed to find it hilarious that Bruce – a P.I. un the movie, for no useful reason – cares more about it than the various scuffles with drug and money exchanges he winds through.  These scuffles are likely similarly meant to seem like uproariously escalating circumstances.  Alas: No.  This all falls flat; Bruce shambles or whatever from scene to scene, Thomas Middleditch – his partner as a P.I., also for no useful reason – narrates, and there’s no sense of… anything.  Stakes?  Momentum?  For a movie that has a 60+ year old man skateboarding naked for its first ten or so minutes, it’s astounding how boring it all is.

I will say that this isn’t a particularly lazy Bruce performance, but the script requires almost nothing of him by the same token.  He at least seems to be having a good time, and maybe that good time is what enticed the robust and talented cast to join up – Jason Momoa, John Goodman, Famke Janssen, Adam Goldberg and more – and also give competent performances.  So maybe something magic happened on set and it was all edited out by evil corporate overlords who loved Cop Out’s lack of laughs.

I… am doubting that.  This flick actually starred Willis and he had screentime, and yet I’d rewatch one of his recent Lions Gate phone-ins over this.