— out of 5

I don’t know how to rate this thing; it was never meant for public consumption. Produced as an in-house gag by Bill Fitts upon his departure from Mirage, it is of the Tijuana Bibles tradition (or, more tied to its original 1993 publishing, the tradition of Simpsons and etc. “adult” art one might have discovered on certain online boards back in the day) that inserts – no pun intended – family friendly characters into non-family friendly scenarios. There’s… a porn-style plot that’s completely irrelevant; while I guess I can’t really speak to Fitts’ predilections or what the intentions actually was, all the same, rating this thing feels kinda pointless. I’m happy as hell that Turtles Club did a reprint, because we TMNT fans are obsessives who will hunt down the bits and bobs of the Mirage / Archie / Image-eras (and beyond), and knowing this circulated-amongst-friends X-rated Turtles comic existed means you have to at least make an effort to see it. But: am I reading this beyond checking it off my list? Probably not.

Anyway, it’s 12-pages, full color. The boys are drawn in a kind of sweaty, zine-y style that reminds me of Brothers Grunt – do you remember that show? – and a boring night leads them to split off and satisfy their baser needs. I mean, look, I giggled: Leo being the uptight Turtle who needs to be “guided” by his master’s wisdom to a threesome with April; Shredder’s cry at the end about always being left out, sporting a spiked cock ring as her jerks it to the sights of the former; Fitts being all-inclusive of taboo with furries and incest getting the a-okay.

Right – if you had any doubts about how X this is, it’s cocks and cum, y’all. Though I’d say it’s very much on the humor side of X (if it’s not clear) vs. being fap material, but everyone’s got their something. …Regarding which, I guess I can also check off having referenced fapping and seminal fluid in a Turtles review. Who-da thunk.

Beyond doing a straight-up reprint of this rather infamous (and infamously unfindable beyond some digital scans) book, the Turtles Club crew got Chris Allan to contribute two Ninjara pinups, which are still in the adult-vein, and a lot less goofy than the content – not in a graphic way, just meaning they’re actual pinups, but with nudity, and drawn well.