2 out of 5

Directed by: Boaz Davidson

Confident and visually creative while also being wildly derivative and quite indulgent – making one realizing that these things do not have to be mutually exclusive in any configuration – Boaz Davidson’s ‘Hospital Massacre’ (which I watched under the title of ‘X-Ray’) is one of those culty slashers that has the potential to be your favorite flick if you saw it at the right time. But: if you see it at any other time, it’s a curio: an almost-there movie that does a lot right without making much impact. Its aforementioned indulgences (namely expressed via a crawling pace) are odd enough to earn cult designation, though also make the movie guaranteed background viewing; like it’s not so notably “off” as to be something to whip up a crowd for midnight watches.

From afar, though, one can appreciate the over-plotting that amounts to a slasher in a hospital, as it also encompasses: spurned Valentine’s Day affections; ex-husband vs. boyfriend disputes; setting justifications with x-rays and a physical exam and health insurance, and then some kind of scheme involving those; multiple doctors attending to lead Susan (Barbi Benton) for no real reason; an abandoned floor on the hospital that all the staff wanders to without a second thought; misleading phone calls; cake… and then the various kill methods, involving acid and saws and whatnot. The score – some kind of combination of Carpenter plodding and something more organic and Richard Band-like – is quite excellent, though without landing on a theme; the cinematography nibs from giallo angles, and splashes of pinks and blues and shadows, but isn’t necessarily expressive at the same time; and the tone hovers in a middleground between being self aware and trying to actually have a story.

Up close, as you’re watching, and combined with the aforementioned sluggish pace, you kind of go mindless: the movie leaves a positive vibe in its wake, but one would be hard pressed to remember much of the above – I needed a wiki refresher – or even that there were kills in the movie. There is, perhaps predictably, a killer doc in scrubs walking around, and the abandoned hospital floor makes for a good killing arena, and reading the kill descriptions I’m like, yeah, that happened, I just can’t summon up any actual visuals from it.

But, as always, timing is everything, and there’s absolutely enough material for this to be an effective slasher, especially if it was one of your first ones. I mean, it has all of the right ingredients for a “classic” 80s horror flick, and imagining catching this as a teen as a curious rental choice when we had less options… yeah. Nowadays, though, while this has the distinction of not being a bad movie – technically or otherwise – it ranks lower tier in terms of its effectiveness, and ability to hold our attentions.